A favorite discussion topic has returned to the group chat: age gaps in relationships, with the release of The Idea of You, a new romantic comedy starring Anne Hathaway and based on, uh, fanfiction about Harry Styles, on Amazon Prime.
The Idea of You is a film version of Robinne Lee’s book of the same name, for those who missed it when it first came out. The plot centers on 40-year-old mother and divorcee Solène Marchand (Anne Hathaway), who meets pop singer Hayes Campbell (Nicholas Galitzine), the 24-year-old lead singer of the well-known band August Moon, when she brings her daughter Izzy (Ella Rubin) to Coachella and falls in love.
No spoilers here, so you’ll have to watch the film to find out how the relationship turns out, but the couple’s 16 years age gap has, once again, got people furiously debating what exactly an ‘acceptable’ age gap is.
We’re not asking that, though. What we want to know is: In an era of online dating, celebrating kink and gender fluidity , why do we continue to be so obsessed with a couple’s respective ages remaining in an ‘acceptable’ gulf? And what even is deemed acceptable when we’re talking about romance and desire?
Age-gap partnerships (also known as May-December romances, as seen in the film) are not new. They have existed throughout history, from Cleopatra VII and Julius Caesar’s 30-year age difference to the 12 years between King Charles and Princess Diana. Nonetheless, we continue to obsess about them, doubting the intentions of individuals involved and projecting our own preconceived notions onto couples in public.
We’ve seen this play out with celebrity couples several times over. In 2020, Florence Pugh, now 28, posted a video to Instagram to publicly address criticism and trolling that she had been on the receiving end of for dating her then-partner Zach Braff, who’s now 49. The couple’s 21-year-age gap took so many by surprise that Pugh said: “I do not need you to tell me who I should and should not love,” adding that, “really it has nothing to do with you.” What fans saw as being protective of their idol, Pugh herself saw as “cyberbullying”.
Likewise, with ,Kim Kardashian 43 and then-boyfriend Pete Davidson, 30, the internet was quick to react to their 13-year age difference. Still, Kim just briefly addressed her age gap with Pete with ENews saying: “If it’s older, younger, doesn’t even matter. But younger… I’m not mad at it.”
Cher, who’s 77, also recently addressed the 40-year age gap between her and her partner Alexander “A.E” Edwards, 38. After she hard-launched him back in 2022, fans flooded her replies with divided opinions. But Cher was quick to clap back. “Anytime you make a choice you take a chance. I’ve always taken chances… it’s who I am.”She added : “I’m not defending us. Haters are gonna hate… doesn’t matter that we’re happy and not bothering anyone.”
Concern or criticism?
While piling on is never acceptable, there is reasonable anxiety about some of this type of remark. Of course, we feel close to celebrities and can be protective of them (especially after witnessing women being sold out and mistreated by their different professions for a variety of reasons – free Britney forever!). And, of course, there’s enough history to make us wary of celebrating a man dating a woman half his age. Consent difficulties, as well as economic and power inequities, are all important concerns that have been addressed and called out since #MeToo.
“In some relationships where there is a significant age gap between partners, for example 10 years or more, there may be unique problems the couple can face, including power imbalances,” Dr Daria J. Kuss, Associate Professor in Psychology explains to Cosmopolitan UK. “In some cases, coercion and financial control may be a reason for confrontation. Age may make younger partners more vulnerable with regards to being more dependent on the older partner,” she says.
Studies has shown that couples who are similar in age are more likely to last because they will essentially be in similar stages in life, which researchers say is possibly explained by “differently-aged couples [being] less resilient to negative shocks compared to similarly-aged couples”.
“Levels of maturity are not always tied to age”
However, as Kuss explains, age isn’t always an indication of personality or life experience. “Levels of maturity are not always tied to age, and the reverse may be true in such a way that the younger partner is the more mature one,” she says.
Likewise, other studies have even found that there is a reported high relationship satisfaction in age-gap couples in comparison to similar-age couples despite being prone to social disapproval due to potential exploitation. The same is true for same-sex couples(although little data is known about how an age gap affects the dynamic in LGBTQ+ relationships).
And, remember, if we’re talking about celebrities – what binds them together more: the experience of not being a mere mortal, having a legion of fans, and being super-rich, or the girth of age? Sharing the absurdity of fame feels much more like the thing they’ll be bonding on, to us.
One rule for him…
We might be able to accept that two people are in a consensual, happy relationship, but our general understanding of gender dynamics and bias are also at play. While issues of consent and power are a serious concern, these can take place in any relationship, no matter the age gap.
“In society, it’s viewed as ‘normal’ for a man to be in a relationship with a woman several years younger. In contrast, it’s often frowned upon when it’s the other way around, and people can be very quick to judge,” says dating coach James Preece.
Anecdotally, it does often appear that the backlash hits women in heterosexual relationships hardest. In the celebrity world, Leonardo Di Caprio’s (49) penchant for women in their 20s has long been the butt of jokes (there’s even a chart mapping the age of his recent partners). People are also more likely to buy into the ‘gold digger’ and ‘sugar baby’ stereotypes with these relationships. And when a woman dates a younger man, she often finds herself at the receiving end of nastier commentary, labelled a ‘cougar’ seeking a ‘toy boy’, a ‘cradle-snatcher’, or a ‘M.I.L.F”.
“It’s viewed as ‘normal’ for a man to [date] a younger woman… but not the other way around”
Despite this, online daters are increasingly interested in meeting someone outside of their age bracket. According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, women reported high levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction within these intimate partnerships with younger men. Tinder has also found that nearly half (45%) of female Tinder members globally have matched someone younger, and mentions of ‘younger man’ have increased by 70%.
“Motivation to date can be difficult when the woman is much older than the man. While there are plenty of genuine guys who would value and appreciate this, there are some who see it as novelty,” Preece explains. Although there’s been efforts to reclaim these terms to describe a woman who is sexually liberated, the gender norms persist.
Happily ever after?
So, should we be worried about age differences in dating or is age really just a number? It was never going to be that simple was it! “Age-gap relationships can certainly work, but they are more difficult to sustain than ones where the age difference is smaller,” Kuss claims. “This is partly because when people are at different life stages, their priorities will be different.”
Kuss also explains that communication and managing expectations can be different for age-gap relationships compared to similar-aged couples. “The older partner in the couple may have their life already established, while the younger partner may find themselves in a period of self-discovery. There may be different opinions on family planning and fertility. In addition, the older partner may be more financially secure, which can lead to finance-driven problems within the couple.”
Preece emphasises the importance of being intentional when dating regardless of whether there’s an age gap or not. “Date anyone who fits other more important criteria such as value and interests,” he advises. “If you are both willing to work hard at the relationship, and stop caring what others think, you have a good chance of making it last. As long as you both make each other happy, then you should do what feels right for you.”